Yesterday my mom asked me if we'd like to go to brunch at the country club on Sunday since we'll still be in town. I said yes, not realizing that it is the Mother's Day brunch. (I've been a tad aloof lately. Perhaps it's my brain's way of protecting me...) Later this evening, once I figured out that it was the Mother's Day brunch, I started freaking out. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it right now. I've been to this brunch many times and I know what it entails. At the end of the meal, the servers bring flowers to all of the mothers at the table. It's a nice gesture...until you desperately want the flowers and you know you aren't getting any. Needless to say, I'm afraid I'm going to start crying and/or need to excuse myself.
As I sat thinking about the brunch all night, I tried analyzing what I'm so upset about. Yes, I'm grieving my losses, but I'm also upset that I'm not yet a mother when I know that I was supposed to be one sometime this week.
This brings up an interesting point that I saw mentioned on the Miscarriage Memories facebook page. Do you consider yourself a mother if you have miscarried? The majority of people that responded to the post said yes, it doesn't matter that your baby (or babies) died before birth, you're a mother if you have miscarried. My immediate thought is no, I'm not a mother. However, when I spoke of my first miscarriage (I haven't had much of a chance to speak of my second miscarriage or both) I often used the phrase "my baby". Don't you have to be a mother to have a baby? My babies aren't here in my arms, but they did at one time exist.
I'm not about to tell our server at the club that I am a mother, but maybe Mother's Day wouldn't be so hard for me if I thought of myself as a mother.
an update, of sorts
6 hours ago